Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Here's one of those things I forgot about. Last Saturday I had these horrible nightmares. I rarely remember my dreams so I was a bit shaken up about it. I was dead tired from Friday because I had work and then the Incubus gig.

In the first dream, someone very close to me had died. And in my dream, I had stopped functioning. I was inconsolable, I couldn't leave the house, couldn't eat, sleep, didn't want to be awake because just being awake was too painful. Everything was just horrible. Towards the end, though, I realized that my bedroom in the dream was NOT my bedroom. That, and a vague feeling that this pain was just too much to bear, made me realize, while IN the dream, that I MUST be dreaming. So I woke up.

And the first thing I did was call Neva. I wanted to tell her about the dream, just to be able to tell someone, and hear someone's voice in return. So I called her, and as I was telling the story, I was still so shaken by it that I was still crying, and my voice was trembling.

And then I woke up. For real this time. I had woken from a dream into another dream, I realized, and for some reason it felt worse, like I had been tricked, cheated, into thinking that things were okay but it was just a joke. Another reminder that I'm powerless in this situation. It was a horrible feeling, that powerlessness, feeling that I was in the thrall of whatever horrible thing was next, and I was still crying. It felt so frustrating and just WRONG. At the time I felt like I was being played with. I actually pinched myself to make sure I was awake. My pillowcase was wet from tears I had shed in my sleep. And I remembered Neva was in Anilao diving with her family.

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